You see them everywhere  you know those magazines yeah I’ve bought a few they show you everything

so many news stands as I’m passing by but rows and rows of you are bound to catch my eye

now everyone can gaze upon your body its good for you – I guess you have no shame

I never knew if how I acted would make you seek revenge and now I know and you’re in magazines

–Duncan Sheik “Magazines”

I was in my twenties. The marriage had been ill-advised; all passion and no maturity. She had left months ago after a fling with an older guy. I had crashed, burned and found myself more lost than I had ever been.

My brothers tried to cheer me up by dragging me to a science fiction convention. Star Trek, Star Wars–all kinds of geeks, comic lovers and sci-fi addicts wandered the massive hall. We were perusing the tables and came across about 40 copies of a paperback book on “B” horror movies. Gracing the glossy cover was a pretty girl in a B-horror flick scream pose.

It was my ex-wife.

She stared up at me from the book cover, mouth open, all scantily clad and beautiful and most painfully: no longer mine.

Now belonged to anyone who bought that lousy book. A guy next to me in a Darth Vader t-shirt picked up the book, flipped its pages and pointed at the cover. “She’s tasty.”

My stomach rolled over. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes. My fists balled up at my sides.

My brothers–busy buying Star Trek action figures–finally came over to see why I was loitering at that specific unmanned table.

“Oh no,” my older brother said, his eyes wide.

“Oh shit,” my younger brother said.

I closed my eyes, wiped the tears away with my fists.

“Let’s go,” my older brother said.

I couldn’t make myself move.

My younger brother quickly began turning over the books, hiding my ex-wife’s image.  My older brother firmly squeezed my upper arm. “Let’s go.”

“Couldn’t she wait before she got on with her life?” I said to no one in particular. “Couldn’t she wait for me?” I whispered.

The rest of the day was a blur. I don’t remember meeting the guy from Deep Space Nine at all.

I was so very young.

but is it really you in the empty world I shouldn’t be surprised you’re an ambitious girl

with all that naked skin as sweet as honey Maybe you just really needed money

I wondered if I would be punished for my voyeuristic pleasure

and now I know and you’re in magazines